Where I used to work, there was a guy called Danny Nolan.
He looked like a chubby Eric Morcambe, glasses and all, and was quite tall too. He must have weighed around 16 stone.
Anyway, he liked to gamble. He quite often went out on Friday night for a few hours at a casino, but only just made it back to work by Monday morning.
There was also another gambling man at work, called Tom Buller. Tom would have made an excellent game show host. He was in his 50s, and was one of those people who it’s a pleasure to have known. A genuinely nice guy.
So a few of us were sat sround at work, chatting. I knew that Danny was a bit skint, so I started making funny bets with him, to give him the chance to make some money while entertaining us by doing daft things.
I bet him a quid that he wouldn’t lick Tom Bullers face.
“…. a quid?” he asked, interested.
“Yep, if you lick Toms face, I’ll give you a quid.”
“….nah, not just for a quid.” he said, and became disheartened.
Adam joined in, and offered another quid. Then a few more people joined in. Eventually, Danny was faced with winning £8 of money from various people, IF he licked Toms face.
He took up the challenge, we all cheered, and marched off to find Tom.
Tom had just finished talking on the phone, and had no idea what Danny was about to do. Danny walked up to Tom and said…
“Tom?”
“Yes Dan?”
Danny said nothing. He waited a few seconds, then lunged at Tom with his tongue.
“GET OFF!” Tom yelled, fighting to keep Dans tongue off his face, his hands and sleeves. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?!?”
“They’ve bet me £8 that I can’t lick your face,” Danny said, pointing to the group of us behind him.
Tom paused.
“8 quid?…….. will you split it 50/50?”
We all went “EWWWWWWWW!”, at Toms conditional lick agreement.
Danny agreed, but Tom added the final clause that he must dry his tongue first.
Danny dried his tongue on his tie, then with it slightly protruding, slowly leaned towards Tom. Disturbingly, Tom leaned towards Danny.
It was the most horriffic moment that I witnessed from that year, but Dans tongue and Toms cheek were in direct contact for over 2 seconds, while everyone got a look at the evidence.
Well, he either kept it there so that we could all take turns to see, or he kept it there for different personal reasons, but who am I to judge.
So we all walked back to our desks, and all gave Danny a quid each.
Danny was really happy with his winnings, and I could tell that I had got him into his “I’ll do anything for money” mood, so I made one more bet with him.
I said “I bet you that you can’t “accidentally” nudge Scottish Garys groin.”
“What do you mean? Grab his nuts?”
“No, just…. y’know….. ACCIDENTALLY with the back of your hand knock his tackle. Next time he comes over, just ACCIDENTALLY nudge his knackers with the back of your hand.”
Dan thought for a few moments. “……… ok” he eventually agreed.
Later that day. he really did it. I can’t fully put into words how funny this accidental nudge thing was, suffice to say that we were all in a comparitively quiet room, and on contact Gary suddenly blurted out a noise that sounded like “BOI.”
Luckily, as you may have noticed, for this second bet I didn’t actually bet any money. I just made him touch Garys bits for no reason.
Hurrah!