Where I used to work, in Manchester at a financial management company, there used to be a manager by the name of Dominic Morris.
Dominic used to have “power meetings” with his staff, me included, every morning. They were a 5 minute prep talk designed to get you motivated before work commenced.
Unfortunately Dominic wasn’t very good at the one essential skill necessary to hold meetings. He couldn’t string a logical sentence together.
Quite often he’d say something that he must have believed was an inspirational phrase, only to find that when it came out and hit our ears, it sounded more like he’d put all his words into a blender and left the lid off.
He made mixed metaphors look “as easy as falling off a pie.”
Below are a few of my all time favourite Morissisms.
Lets not draw a concrete line in the sand or someones going to trip over it.
You’re biting around the bush.
I can’t stress that hard enough and from the top of my voice.
Sometimes I think you have to let the fish off the hook. Not every man catches what he hooks.
If there was a barrel of snakes on the table, you wouldn’t put your hand in it would you? But if I said it was ok, you’d go “Oh, I’ll have some of that”, wouldn’t you.
There’s a couple of anomalies on here, maybe for the rightly or the wrongly.
And then BANG! You walk straight into the lions mouth.
You’re chewing too much and I don’t think you can take it.
It’s like having a hammer, throwing it over your shoulder into a canal, then realising you have no tools.
I’ll come over in 2 ticks of a second.
Don’t walk before you can run.
You have to run at it like a windmill.
As angry as a bare arse.
Go on John, fire ahead.
Your names flavour of the month today.
Give me my consecutive toy back.
Having Dominic as our inspirational leader only had one side effect – it made all the new, inexperienced people talk and think like him.
So below are a few phrases from colleagues…
I suppose if you smoke like a chainsaw, it’s bad.
They kick it to broke it.
It just got worser.
I’ll borrow you some money.
I thiefed it.
That’d make it betterer.
You learnt me some skills.
What have you teached me?
I’m in debit with you.
I’ll find the wrongness.
I’m putting in a complaint about all ewes.
Those who are put your name down.
I’m going to write your autobiography.
She went for a break ten-teen times.
Her mum maked it worse.
I’ve only got 20 quid, 50p and a quid.
You only like him because you can talk all computerised to him.
It’s going to a good homer.
They reclined to give me a loan.
Return cheque to client as will bounce if we do.
Just scuse it in.
Borrow us 20p while in a bit.
He gets all the mistakes wrong.
They’re my bestest ones.
I went to KFC and bought a zimmer burger.
I’ve got to send them a utensil bill.
The dog had a tummock upset.
I wish they’d get the f***ing phones, scuse my English.
Her bills have been paided.
Because I forgot things easy.
I came in on Sunday even tho I wasn’t rotated to do so.
I sawed it with my own eyes.
At this prior time…
Does she be daft like when she talks?
My eyes being irritatedable.
My wages are more better now.
Only long ago…
Their breakfasties are nice.
If WE’RE on it, I’m definately going to watch DogWatch.
I’m going all double-handed.
Are you bald when your hair grows back?
It tasters nice.
If you were a fan, you’d have betted with me.
There are 6 vowels in the alphabet – A.E.I.O.U and Y, all be it part time.
You don’t get consistency very often.
Who wrote this note? It sounds like an Ian.
If you have read this far, then as a leaving present I give you this absolute classic Stupidism. It was said by an old lady waiting outside my local post office. She must have been waiting for it to open since 8:30, despite it consistently only ever opening at 9am every single weekday since 1950.
I walked past her, she glanced at the building and, as if to urge it on, said…….
“Come ON bus….. I mean post office.”
HOW do you get those two confused?!? Just…….. HOW?