Haribo, you disappoint me

Fantasy?
Dear Haribo.

I recently purchased a bag of Fantasy Mix sweets.

The reason I opted for Fantasy Mix, as opposed to your other wonderful selections, was simply this; I wanted fantasy. I wasn’t in the mood for your otherwise excellent Tangfastics, and since our abysmal performance in the World Cup football match, where we didn’t kick enough goals or something, neither was I in the mood for Football mix. Starmix is also a particular favourite, and I also love finishing off a full packet of Strawbs. But on this occasion I wanted Fantasy.

To me, fantasy is a whole world of things you can only imagine. Mythical creatures that don’t actually exist. Unexplainable things like aliens and dinosaurs. So as I opened the Fantasy Mix bag, optimistically I was hoping for unicorns, wizards, wands and other things of fantasy.

The first thing I pulled out was a yellow lion. Disheartened at my initial pluck from the bag, and at the fact that lions do actually exist, “maybe the fantasy will start soon,” I said.

Next, I pulled out a kangaroo. Again, not a particularly fantastical animal. In fact, an animal I have seen in real life a few times on visits in my youth to various zoos.

“Third time lucky!” I told myself, as I plunged in and whipped out two sweets at once; an edible childs dummy and a fish, both of which I have seen far too many of in real life in my time.

Very disappointing, people of Haribo.

NONE of the items in the Fantasy Mix were things of fantasy, in that they all exist in real life. In fact the closest things to fantastical that I found was a mole apparently wearing red trousers, pictured below.

Red Pants!  On a BEAR of all things!  Not MY idea of fanasy...

Imaginary, yes, but “fantasy” is pushing it.

This was the ONLY item with even a hint of fantasy. If I’m being honest, if you fantasise about animals in trousers then, quite frankly, that is a little disturbing.

I think calling it “Fantasy Mix” is wrong. If anything, it you should rename it to “Fantasy Mix – Ironic Remix ™”

Have you ever thought of branching out with other equally disappointing and lackluster attempts? Why not create a “Sports Mix” range that contains absolutely no sport items? Or add “Made With Real Fruit” to packets of sawdust?

Why IS it called Fantasy Mix? Do the people that make your sweets seriously get out so little that things that are everyday occurances for the likes of you and me really are the things they dream about? Have they never enjoyed looking at lion or a real fish? Were they deprived so much that they never had a dummy when they were young?

Please let me know, as the more I think about people not appreciating normal life, the more concerned I get about people missing out on these things.

And if you could let me know if you ever put fantasy items into your Fantasy Mix, that would be ace.

Yours,

Craig Anderson.

Quick F.A.Q. to answer your emails en mass…

Yes, I have complained officially to Haribo UK.

No, no reply as of yet.

Yes, the mole, possibly actually a badger, is safe. He lives on my keyboard now. Sometimes I put his nose over my capslock light, so his nose glows green.

It was originally a lot longer, but I chose to remove a couple of paragraphs after I shocked myself with how perverse the “animals in trousers” description ended up being.

honk!

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