Chatting with Spam

It’s rare that I’m the recipient of odd messages out of the blue, but here’s one I received recently. I was going to change the names to protect the innocent, but I just couldn’t be bothered.

I have edited parts of the conversation, but only because it was so waffly and repetetive. Apart from that, everything is as it was.

It started with a direct message I received via Facebook…

Rita Brown 26 February at 14:36

How are you? i like your picture and i will like to know you i am a single lady looking for my soul-mate someone that will love me with his whole heart… let me know if you’re single and looking for same thing like i do… Hope to read from soon. Rita


Craig Anderson 26 February at 14:51

I know this may be a little soon, having only exchanged 1 message each, but we should forgo the formalities of getting to know each other and just get married. See you in a hour!


Rita Brown 26 February at 15:07
Hello Craig.. I’m so glad to read back from you,,, Well i was looking at the friends you might know beside my face book home where i found your picture interesting and I decided to write you.. So sorry for the inconvenience message but am willing to get to know more about a man like you..

My name is Rita Brown .I am 25yrs old.. i live in Oxon Hill.MD. I am a single lady never married but looking for the right man that will spend the rest of my life with…I am new on this Face Book Scene and I Just wanted to know where this will lead to.

Well I am a Honest,Kind,Caring,Loyal ,truthful and God fearing Person, I am not here for any stupid games But I am Looking for a serious and Long term relationship.. I don’t Care about the Age or Distance cos I believe that when it is time for the Meeting I don’t care about relocating, and I will Like to know More about a man Like you may be you are the Angel Sent down from God…

I will be Glad to hear back from you and Know more about you.. I do have a lot of Pics to share with you But I don’t like double dating and I don’t like staying on the Website that Much… So I will be Glad if you can Email me Directly into my Personals Addy So we can talk much Better…..

Email Address::R.B*********@yahoo.com and you can also add me on yahoo IM if you have one..here is my ID..R.b*********

Rita


Craig Anderson 26 February at 16:24

Hi there.

I’m at the church now! Where are you? The vicar is getting grumpy and the (rented) choir are getting restless. I was lucky to hire Aled Jones at such short notice, but even he is looking slightly miffed. Walking in the air? Walking out the door more like…

Call me on +447919 390145 – I’m worried you won’t show.

Craig.



**********No reply*********



Concerned at not getting a reply, I decided to use the email address…

From: Craig Anderson
Subject: Rita?!?
To: [Rita “Spammy McSpambot” Brown]
Date: Sunday, 26 February at 18:27

Hi Rita.

Thanks for contacting me earlier with your heart-felt plea. How could I ignore such a succinct, if badly punctuated, message? We all have faults, I know that, and bad punctuation happens to be yours. Not to worry though; as soon as we meet up we’ll be able to talk directly to each other without having to type anything, so your horrific lack of simple things like grammar and spelling will be far less noticeable.

What happened? Why didn’t you show up to church? I only acted on the messages I received from you. You seemed so keen, and yet unable to commit.

At the time I got your first message I was at home, painting the upstairs skirting boards. I read it, understood the urgency of your request, made my excuses and set straight out to book a church. (When I say made my excuses, at the time I was helping my current wife with our decorating. I told her I had to nip out for a bit. When she asked me why, I told her straight I had to book a church and planned on getting married in about an hour. She looked at me with her loving, kind eyes and simply asked “Who is going to clean the paint brushes afterwards?” She is very understanding.)

Anyway, in that you ignored my facebook message, whats the plan now?

I guess the weddings off?


From: Rita Brawn
Subject: re: Rita?!?
To: Craig Anderson
Date: 27 February at 18:35

Hello,
How are you doing today, how’s work and everything?…

Sorry i did not ignoring you at all.. I was very busy doing my assignment… I will tell you a little about myself..my real name is Rita, i am 25years,from Oxon Hill, MD, I am living alone,i am studying…I am the only daughter of the family,my parent got married to each other in the states….I am happy i have a wonderful parent like my parent but unfortunately i lost my parent years ago in a car accident and it sucks..its so painful cause i was unable to let them feel my impact before they died…

Right now i am studying(ACCOUNTING)in west Africa (Nigeria) precisely..this is my first time to travel to Nigeria and i don’t really know much about this environment but i am so adaptive so i get used to a lot of things so easily and i get to understand how things are been done in the environment too as well…

i have just started my career on it and its really my dream and i seek a man who will support my dream…i just got to Africa like 3 months ago and on planing to get back to the states soon..to complete my dream and career..it has really been a dream come true for me to become a Zoologist and i have committed all my time and all i have into this career and i hope it leads to a very great future for me,

i would really like to get to know a lot about you and learn something’s with you cause you seems to be kind of ready in getting to know my kind of person and hopefully we can meet in person soon…with time we will get to know each others feelings, motives and intentions towards each other and it will help us grow knowing each other and trusting each other..

i am looking for Honest,God fearing,loyal,trustworthy and intelligent person..i am looking for something long term relationship.Well i will await your reply and i will try and email you back asap…

Rita.

Have a nice weekend.

Rita.


From: Craig Anderson
Subject: re: re: Rita?!?
To: [Rita “Spammy McSpambot” Brown]

Hi Rita

Thanks for replying to me

Wow, that was a lot to take in! Thanks for being so honest with me, and in no way contrived. I’d hate to think this was all a big scam to con innocent people out of their personal details and leave them the victim of a clever hoax, but the succinctness and clarity of your reply left me in no doubt. I feel ready to open up to you. As you’re a poor student, unable to afford even a mobile phone, I am on the verge of supplying my bank details to you, (temporarily,) in the hope you will be able to support yourself. Maybe, if time permits between studies, you could even fly over to meet me in France – Don’t worry, I’ll pay!

I’m glad that you’re taking steps to follow your career in Zoologist Accounting. Is that where you have to count zoologists? Sounds great. Looking at your facebook biography and noting the discrepancies in your email messages and on your Yahoo profile, I see you’re actually from 4 different place on earth; Nigeria, Africa and 2 places in the US. You’re one jet setting lady if you can call all those places home!!!! I also assume that the discrepancies in the way you misspell your own surname on different methods of communication are for regional reasons.

Dead parent though? That does, as you say, suck!

Love is a wonderful thing. I was recently chatting to my friend Jason about his current bad luck in the world of love. His told me “there’s too many broken hearts in the world, and there’s too many dreams to be broken in two.”

I asked “Too many broken hearts in the world?”

“So I won’t give up the fight for you” he replied, which left me momentarily worried. But he continued, “The world is full of lonely people, who never held onto love. Last night I tried to reach you but somehow it wasn’t enough.”

I gave him one good reason to leave me, he gave me ten good reasons to stay. It was an odd time. I don’t know what you think about this?

How nice that you say you like films and musicals. I like them too! My favourite musical is Les Misérables which, in English, translates as “The Misérables”. I know only a few words in French, having only been here for a few months studying both Paleontology and knitting.

But, anyway, when can you come over? Who do I send my bank details to? If you can send me your bank details, I will put the necessary amount into your bank.

Craig.


From: Rita Brawn
Subject: re: re: re: Rita?!?
To: Craig Anderson

Hello ,

Thanks for getting back to me..I hope everything is alright with you there? It is really so nice hearing from you and thank you so much for the compliments. Please keep it coming. I am a single lady, never married, devoted, easy going, God fearing, sincere, honest, trustworthy, tolerance, adoring, down to heart, loving, caring, cherishing, sensible, understanding, intelligent, industrious, dedicated, faithful and friendly.

Well i can’t doubt your friends on what he advised you because there is too many broken heart in this world of love because i have been hurt so many times before and i really want to put stopped to that in my life..

Well I want to know that am also shy and cool headed. I want a man who is intelligent, understanding, down to heart, faithful and ready to love me. Some1 who i can always hang my trust on and who i can Leon on for the rest of my life… Craig.. there is something doubt to me in your previous message on face book.. You gave me a UK number to call you but now you were telling me that you in France?.. What did you do for a living and I think we can continue this and see where it lead us too…

I guess you would also want to know some of my body fits and here they are…
Hair: Light Brown….
Height:5’8″
Eyes:Blue….
Bust:34″
Dress:3-5…..
Waist:24″
Shoe:8-8.5….
Hips:36″……

I’m willing to meet an honest and faithfully man in my life….I would really appreciate getting to know you more and i hope we could be a good set for this relationship and i hope i’m hanging my hanger of trust on the right man..:-*…i hope to get more emails from you and to keep in touch from time to time. I will appreciate it if you can include your picture in your next mail to me…

Love Always.

Rita Brown.


From: Craig Anderson
Subject: re: re: re: re: Rita?!?
To: [Rita “Spammy McSpambot” Brown]

Hi Reets

I read your textbook list of good traits, and was pleased to see “friendly” made it onto the end there, albeit at the end. If you’ve listed them in order and you’re looking for friendship, I would probably have put “friendly” further up the scale. It’s currently in 21st place, after your other traits of “down to heart” and of being “tolerance”.

I can understand your sceptiscism. (Or is it skeptiscism? I never know whether it is a C or a K in that word. I’ll ask you as you’re probably the best speller I know.) I only recently moved to France, and so still have the same number on my portable phone. I do visit the UK often so it is useful to have a UK number. The French really don’t like the English. As they say here in France, “Vous êtes évidemment un vraiment mauvais pirate informatique” which translates as “Trust no-one from the UK; The sea is surrounded by pirates!”

I have many friends in the UK; Dave, John; Nigel and Jason who I mentioned before. In France I have different friends; Pierre, Jean-Paul, Antoine and Jacque. I’m not sure where this paragraph is leading, so I’ll just cut it short here.

The internet is a strange place, isn’t it? It’s quite faceless. Someone who might claim to be a man in a chatroom might actually be a woman! You just don’t know, do you? It’s like a jungle some times, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under. Some people I chat to on the internet, who try to make you think they are female despite being evidently male, make me say “Don’t push me ‘cause I’m close to the edge; I’m trying not to lose my head, ah ha ha ha ha.” I can tell you’re obviously a woman as you’ve provided me with some of your body fits. I mean, men wouldn’t measure like that, would they? Men tend to be quite flabby and wobbly, whereas from your description you are obviously feminine!

I’m sure you’ll soon find the right man on which to hang the hanger of trust. It’s just a matter of waiting until the wait of time passes.

Please find my photo attached.

me, circa 2008

Craigo.





5 Days later, and still no reply… I think this is the first time I have EVER outspammed a spammer.

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