Blog ideas that didn’t work

Following on from websites I haven’t made, (in which I shared ideas for websites that I initially thought were great ideas but for one reason or another I hadn’t made,) I decided to share with you the ideas for blog articles that didn’t work. I have written to many companies over the years, but not all of them have the same sense of humour that I have.

Horlicks vs Ovaltine

To: “Ovaltime Customer Care”&”Horlicks Customer Care”
Subject: Which is better?
From: Craig
Date: Sunday, 6 March, 2011, 14:15

Hi there.

As I’m sure you’re aware, other than tea and coffee there are two other very popular choices for hot drinks; Ovaltine and Horlicks.

To date I have tried neither of them, and as I have a couple of pounds saved up I am about to take the plunge and finally try one. However, I’m faced with the dilemma of which one to choose and I need your advice.

Absolutely no offence intended, but neither of them sound overly appealing name-wise to me. Ovaltine sounds like it’ll make you look fat and juvenile, like an Oval Teen, and Horlicks sounds unappetisingly too much like Whore Licks. I wondered what you could tell me about the drink your company makes to entice me to try it.

In what way is the drink that you make better than the drink your competitor makes?

What are the best things about your drink

How is it better than the other one? (E.G. taste-wise or value-wise)

Finally, and purely for fun, are there any bad things I should know about your rival drink? (Don’t worry, I won’t tell them!)

I’ve sent this email both to you and to your competitor, so whoever replies with the best email will win my custom. I’ll even send you a photo of me drinking your drink if you like?

I plan on going shopping next weekend, so if you could reply to me before this time I would be grateful.

In reply to this Horlicks sent me some free sachets of their products and a standard letter explaining that in the 1970s, (under totally unscientific test conditions,) people who tested it said that Horlicks aided sleeping.

Funny how no newer evidence exists, probably because nowadays they’d HAVE to test it officially in a lab and would ACTUALLY find that it had no real benefit. The fact that “it tastes a bit nice” doesn’t constitute “hard evidence of aiding sleep.”

Ovaltine didn’t reply.

Honey Monster Missing

I saw this box of Honey Waffles in Asda.

The idea was to email them, appearing to be worried about Honey Monster going missing. You can read the original email here.

I emailed them, but they didn’t reply. So I sent it again via their website…

And they didn’t reply.

So I emailed them a reminder, referring to my first email and asking for an update, but nothing.

In an ideal world, when they got my first email they should have replied saying “Don’t worry – he’s safe and sound! It’s just a competition and he isn’t really missing.”

If they HAD, then I was going to reply with…

“It was all just a ruse? Phew! I’m glad he is ok! As for where he is, he’s on the shelf below!”

Followed by “When will I receive a laptop?”

I had chased this up 3 times and they continue to ignore me. I’m probably on some restraining order list.

Pork Scratchings

I originally emailed a pork scratching manufacturer asking for freebies, after a work colleague kept helping herself to any I bought. I didn’t get any freebies, but I did get a great reply in which the pork scratching spokesperson suggested my colleague should buy her own.

I replied to her that saying although I agreed she just kept stealing them.

Then she replied saying I needed to lock my cupboard.

Then I replied.

Then she did.

Then me.

Then her….

Anyway, this went on for 4 years.

The only thing to come out of the original request wasn’t free pork Scratchings, but a great online friend; After chatting to her for 4 years, I know that her kids have gone to Uni, I know what they’re studying, I know she broke her leg and was in a wheelchair for a month, and I could probably tell you her favourite jacket potato filling, but… I won’t.

This blog isn’t here so I can tell everyone all her personal details, its here solely as a fun place and as I (still) have received no freebies, I class this as another blog idea that (in it’s primary purpose) failed. It succeeded very well in making a new friend though!

The Calendar.

This went horrifically wrong. As in, HORRIFICALLY wrong, in a “I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk about it or I may be sacked” kind of way.

But I should be ok as long as I describe it using the most vague of descriptions…

We had calendars at work given to us by another company.

The dates were wrong on them.

I emailed the company in a jokey way.

THAT was a bad idea.


3 years ago McDonalds changed the McBacon Roll. Overnight they decided to change the bacon barm to a bacon “roll”, like you get when you buy a McSub. I complained via email about the fact that the McBacon Roll had overnight evolved into something horrific that I no longer wanted to eat:

“… it has gone from being a breakfast I thoroughly enjoyed to one that I can no longer finish. In fact, this very morning, I had to throw part of my McBacon Roll away as the bread you have chosen to use was so horrendously chewy. Bring back the original McBacon roll, or you will probably lose many customers…”

They emailed me back:

“… I’m sorry you had to throw away part of your meal. Please find attached a voucher for a free McBacon roll.”

What? I didn’t like the first one, why on earth would I want to eat another one, regardless whether it was free or not?!?

I emailed back, “I said I didn’t like the first one. Why have you ignored the fundamental points raised in my email and just tried to palm me off with free food?”

But they didn’t reply.

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