Listening in

A few days ago, as the weather was so hot, we were allowed to come into work in casual clothes. Normally suits are worn, but as we were in the UK and the weather was above freezing, it was a special occasion.

Although I started at 9:00am, I was in work at 8:30am. My boss phoned my mobile at 8:40, while he was on his way into work, as he started at 9:00. He phoned to see if I would like a bacon barm. He was in the shop getting one for himself, and thought he’d phone me up and offer to get one for me too as he knew I’d already be in work. He’s the best boss ever! Obviously I said yes as, even though I had already had breakfast, there is always room for a bacon barm.

He came in a few minutes later, placed a fresh bacon barm on my desk, and started to make his way to the bistro at the other end of the office to eat his food.

Just after he left my desk, about 10 seconds later and while he was still in my view walking up the office, my mobile rang again. It said the call was from my boss. I glanced up and could still just about see my boss at the other end of our office. He didn’t have his phone to his ear, and he had his bacon barm in one hand, but no phone.

With the benefit of hindsight, what probably happened was that his phone called me accidentally. I was the last number he had called, and while his mobile was in his pocket he must have accidentally called his most recent number again. Looking back, this is really obvious. I should have just ignored the phonecall.

But I didn’t. As I said, this was a “hindsight” thought. What I actually did was a lot different, and I honestly, honestly don’t know why I did it.

When I saw my phone ringing, even though I could see he wasn’t actually phoning me, I answered it. When I put my ear to my phone all I got was that scratchy “schwip-schwap” walking sound of a phone in a pocket.

You know when you have a quick succession of thought? They gp BAM BAM BAM, and you have a whole thought process in 2 seconds? What follows is the actual train of thought that I had….

1) He’s phoned me by accident.
2) His phone must be in his jacket pocket.
3) Hang on, it’s casual day, he isn’t wearing a suit so his phone isn’t in his jacket pocket.
4) This means it must be somewhere else.
5) It wasn’t in his hand
6) The only thing he was wearing with pockets was…
7) Oh god, his phone is in his shorts.
8) Oh double-god, my ear is 6cm away from his testicles.
9) I may need to wash my ear.

I needed to get his attention. It was bad enough knowing what I was listening to, but imagine if I let it keep happening! How odd would THAT be?!? Imagine he later found out that I had his nads on the phone and I just listened to them for longer than either of us were comfortable with! No, I needed to get him to turn his phone off urgently.

Again, stupidly but genuinely, I had another quick succession of thoughts on how to remedy the problem…

1) My ear is in his shorts
2) I need to get him to get his phone out.
3) I have to get his attention!

Deeply panicked, and in a desperate attempt to get a response, I shouted “HELLO TESTICLES!” into my phone. Instantly it hit me how stupid what I had just done was. Firstly, they don’t have ears, but more importantly I’d just shouted “testicles” while at work! No, I needed something that didn’t involve words, that people wouldn’t think was weird.

In another flash of inspiration, it occurred to me that if his nads were irritated in some way, he’d have to put his hand into his pocket to “arrange things”, and the best noise I could make wouldn’t be words, but a constant buzzing or humming noise. So I made a deep, rumbling “oooooooooooooh!” noise, hoping the resonance would cause a noticeable feeling.

Only then, after doing all the answering, shouting and oooohing, did it occur to me just just hang up.

The entire thought process, shouting and ooohing must have taken no longer than 5 seconds in actual time, it happen that quickly. I was too embarrassed to talk about it to colleagues, so I didn’t speak for a few minutes afterwards and, thankfully, no-one spoke to me. I must have sounded stupid.

But to any spectators, all they must have seen me do was answer my phone, wait 2 seconds, shout “Hello Testicles”, then do a deep “OOOOOH” noise and hang up.

They must think I’m a freak now.

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