|
|
A few years ago (back in 1997) I heard the “Star Wars Day” joke. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I thought it was great. That year, on the 4th May, I passed the joke on and told everyone I knew that it was Star Wars Day. When they asked me what I meant, I replied “May the Fourth Be With You!” and laughed like an anarchic fool.
The year after, in about 1998, it was no longer a new joke to me. I’d heard it and re-told it myself last year. In 1998 I heard other people saying it. In 1997 I felt like a maverick, firing out the new Star Wars joke to all and sundry after adding it to my jokey repertoire, whereas in 1998 it felt old.
So, over the last 14 years, I must have heard this same Star Wars joke every single year. So many people have said it to me over this time as the joke had obviously spread far and wide. I’ve actually got a little bored of hearing it.
Nowadays, even when I start chats about other things, people managed to crow-bar the Star Wars joke in.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I felt it was time to create a new one.
It occured to me that there was no way any joke I could write could better the May the Fourth joke. It was just too established. I started to think of other Star Wars puns that could be used as references to dates near to May 4th.
The day after the 4th was (obviously) May the Fifth, and the closest Star Warsy rhyme I could think of for that was was Sith. Sith is a really quite Star Warsy word indeed. Out of the ideas I had, (and there weren’t actually that many,) I liked “Revenge Of The Fifth” the most. So on the 1st of May, and without sharing my only real idea, I asked the people in the world of Twitter what their opinion was.
“Revenge Of The Fifth” was suggested by independent people who didn’t already know the idea I’d had. It must be a good one!
And so the day after Star Wars day, on the 5th May, I unleashed my new Star Wars joke via Twitter.
It got one ReTweet.
So I mentioned it an hour or so later, and it got a few more.
In total I mentioned it 9 times in one day, and over the course of the day all these lovely people all RT’d it.
In total these people had over ten thousand followers, which means that my joke suddenly went from having an audience of 1400 (my own follower numbers) to having an audience of ten thousand. But was that enough to make it popular?
I wasn’t sure. I felt it needed another boost. That evening I got in touch with a radio station and told them to remind people that today was Star Wars Day Episode 2 : Revenge of the Fifth.
They did!
Click here to hear the radio clip.
So with an audience of tens of thousands on Twitter and an audience of radio listeners, I was happy.
Later that night I saw a friend on Facebook set their status to “Star Wars Day : Revenge Of The Fifth!” Now I hadn’t put anything about it on Facebook, mainly because I don’t like it, and so the fact that it appeared on there MUST mean that the joke had been passed around quite a lot. I asked then where they had heard the joke.
My joke had appeared on Twitter, on Facebook and on the Radio. This MUST be enough to qualify it as a good one!
Today, on 9th May, I Googled “Star Wars Day Revenge of the Fifth” All of the results were for pages on sites with dates and times after my original post. The first time I used the joke in full was on the 4th May: https://twitter.com/#!/80sNostalgia/status/198366986386939904
Have I actually invented a joke?!?
So remember next year, after you’ve all said your traditional Star Wars Day joke on the 4th May, the day after is now officially…
Star Wars Day Episode 2 – Revenge Of The Fifth.
Why is the English language so inconsistent? I proposed a solution to correct a very small part of it.
From: Craig A
To: Oxford English Dictionary
Subject: A Bit Of Help
Hi OED.
Could you do me a favour and switch a couple of pronunciations around please?
The ones I need switched are for Loose and Lose. They need switching because they are obviously currently the wrong way around.
Everyone knows that any word that features two Os has an “OO” sound, so it doesn’t make sense that Lose is pronounced “Looz.”
For the same reason, it also doesn’t make sense that Loose is pronounced without the double O sound, as “Luce.”
So if you could arrange it so that Lose is pronounced “Luce” and Loose is pronounced “Looz”, that would really help.
Thanks,
Craig A.
From: OEDUK
To: Craig A
Subject: re: A Bit Of Help
Dear Mr Anderson
Thank you for your email to the Oxford English Dictionary regarding the pronunciation of the words ‘loose’ and ‘lose’.
The pronunciations we give reflect how people are actually using the language; the aim of Oxford Dictionaries is to be descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, when we’re writing an entry we combine our understanding of how the word is used in the language with an analysis of a wide range of resources.
Best wishes
Janette Stevens
www.oed.com
www.oxforddictionaries.com
I’m not shure what all them big words meen, but I think she meant “No”.
From: Craig
To: Santa, Workshop.
Subject: Blacklisted?!?
Dear Santa.
Thanks for your disappointing letter.
Just to recap…
- You only allow a certain type of behaviour
- You blacklist people who don’t conform
- You’re threatening me with the wrath of fictional characters
Are you running some sort of cult?
I have a friend who could probably give you great rates on advertising if you’re looking to recruit new members?
Merry Christmas!
Craig.
From: Santa
To: Craig, (naughty list)
Subject: re: Blacklisted?!?
Dear Craig,
Make that December 2016.
Ho ho ho!
Santa.
Kids, don’t argue with Santa.
A few days ago I received this kind warning from a friend. It was a scary email warning about hackers. We’ve all had emails like this, and we’ve all either ignored them or had a brief panic about them. I thought it best to investigate…
From: Email Contact
To: Craig
Subject: Fw: Fw: VERY URGENT – PLEASE READ – NOT A JOKE (better safe than sorry)
: Fw: VERY URGENT – PLEASE READ – NOT A JOKE (better safe than sorry)
PASS THIS ON!
IF A PERSON CALLED SIMON ASHTON ( SIMON***@HOTMAIL.CO.UK ) CONTACTS YOU THROUGH EMAIL DON’T OPEN THE MESSAGE. DELETE IT BECAUSE HE IS A HACKER!!
TELL EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST BECAUSE IF SOMEBODY ON YOUR LIST ADDS HIM THEN YOU WILL GET HIM ON YOUR LIST. HE WILL FIGURE OUT YOUR ID COMPUTER ADDRESS, SO COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE EVEN IF YOU DONT CARE FOR THEM AND FAST BECAUSE IF HE HACKS THEIR EMAIL HE HACKS YOUR MAIL TOO!!!!!……
Anyone-using Internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on. This information arrived this morning, Direct from both Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who has access to the Internet. You may receive an apparently harmless e-mail titled ‘Mail Server Report’
If you open either file, a message will appear on your screen saying: ‘It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful.’
Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC,
And the person who o sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password.
This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus software’s are not capable of destroying it .
The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself ‘life owner’..
PLEASE SEND A COPY OF THIS E-MAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, And ask them to
PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY!
Take Care
From: Craig Anderson
To: “SIMON***@HOTMAIL.CO.UK”
Subject: Fw: Fw: VERY URGENT – PLEASE READ – NOT A JOKE (better safe than sorry)
Hi Simon.
I got a warning email from a friend saying that this email address belongs to a hacker. The word “hacker” is also followed with two exclamation marks, so it sounds quite serious. I just wanted to confirm whether you are a hacker or not.
I also wanted to address a few potential inaccuracies in the warning email, just in case you are a hacker. The inaccuracies are probably the fault of the sender of the warning email, ut just in case you’re new to the world of hacking I thought I’d let you know too.
The email says that if I add you to my list, you will find out my “ID COMPUTER ADDRESS.” Rather than ID address, I’m assuming they (or you) mean IP address? If you are a hacker, and you’re looking for my ID address, you could be looking for the wrong thing as my ID won’t be of much use to you. I’m not even sure that ID COMPUTER ADDRESS is even a real thing. If it is an IP you’re looking for, then you may find this site of some use – http://whatismyipaddress.com
It appears that both Microsoft AND Norton are aware of you and your ambiguous “Mail Server Report” email. Personally I think you have chosen a bad subject title for a hacking email. Not everyone will want to open an email with “Mail Server Report” as the title, as it doesn’t sound interesting. Most people would be wary of opening it, simply because it sounds like a hacking email.
Back in the day when I was a hacker, I always found sending emails with the subject “You have received a Greeting Card” got the best results. Who cares about servers? Getting a free greeting card from a friend always rocks!
The warning email also says that a message will appear, once I’ve opened your infected email, saying “It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful.”
Do you know the phrase, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? That phrase is often misinterpreted. People take it too literally and believe it to mean that if a person sees beautiful things, they too will be beautiful. This isn’t the case. The phrase actually means that people see different things in different lights. People see beauty in different ways. A rock, for example, may be quite a dull thing to one person, whereas to another person it may be a fascinating, beautiful thing. Different people see different aspects of everything and so a boring thing to one person may the most amazing thing to another.
With that in mind, how exactly will you make MY life less beautiful? Things of beauty, to me, are vibrant, colourful things. It doesn’t matter what the thing is, as long as it is vibrant, fresh and full of colour. Do you have the ability to drain colour from things in everyday life, or to hypnotise me into seeing everything as quite blasé? If your hacking skills surpass the usual “gathering-personal-info-from-a-PC” and involve controlling peoples minds after they have opened an email, then you are way more advanced than I believed at first! I suggest you leave the hacking thing behind and concentrate on a career as a mind reader or a mentalist. You may want to contact Derren Brown. He loves things like this! His website is here – Derren Brown’s Website
I’m also having problems understanding the following paragraph; “Subsequently [after opening the email] you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC, And the person who o sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password.” How, exactly, do you plan to take everything from IN my PC? My graphics card, for example, is far too big to fit down the telephone line. Is it just my data you will be (trying badly) to steal? The warning was a little ambiguous.
If the claim is correct, I’m impressed that you have been able to create a virus that antivirus software is not capable of destroying! Mightily impressed! Have you thought about contacting newspapers? They love reporting on this sort of thing. You could be in for some sort of award, or a huge payout from Norton! It could even pay for you to move out from your parents after you pass your G.C.S.E.s!
And why do you call yourself ‘Life owner’? Everyone already knows that your name is Simon Ashton; it says so at the top of the email.
If you are trying to take over the world with your hacking skills, I think you may be going about it all wrong. In summary, I’d change your email subject to something more appealing, I’d learn more about computer terminology and probably get a spell checker.
If you’re not a hacker, ignore everything above.
Craig Anderson
Head of Now (twicm) renumbering
EMI.
From: “MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.com”
To: email_4_craig@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, 2 December 2011, 13:01
Subject: Failure Notice
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.
[simon***@hotmail.co.uk]
Remote host said: mailbox does not exist
From: Craig
To: EMI contact
Subject: Issue with NOW albums
Hi EMI.
I have a concern. It may take a short while to explain, as it is quite in depth, but please bear with me.
 Along with releasing music for the vast array of artists you have signed to your record label, you’re also well known for releasing sequentially numbered NOW (Thats What I Call Music) albums. I still have a few very early NOW (twicm) double albums on vinyl featuring, oddly, a pig on the cover. What was all that about?!?
Since their release in 1983 all was going well with you releasing the numbered albums in order; Now 13, for example, was followed by Now 14, then Now 15… etc. Last time I checked you were up to NOW 79 which is a great ratio of 3.2 albums per year!
But….. A few years ago you released special compilation albums, like NOW 1980. The first time I saw Now 1980 I was a bit confused. I thought that either I had been transported into the future and missed a huge block of numbers, or you had forgotten how to count. However after looking at the tracks on the CD, I realised that you meant the year 1980, and you hadn’t actually released NOW 1,980.
After releasing these special compilations, you reverted to the original numberings continuing to release NOW albums in sequential numerical order.
Now, something has occurred to me that you have maybe not considered. In 590 years time, when the sequential numbers actually reach NOW 1,979, what are you going to call the next album? You can’t call it NOW 1980, because you’ve already used that number. I know I’m talking about something 587 years in the future, (or 472.5 years if you get a crack on and release 4 per year rather than your current ratio of 3.2 per year,) but it concerns me that you haven’t thought this thorough properly.
You’ll have the same problem of duplicate numbers for each special compilation you have released, if NOW #### has already been used.
Obviously it won’t directly affect you as a person, as human life has an average lifespan of far less than 590 years, but it is very likely to affect your descendants.
You may be thinking that it is so far in the future that it won’t affect you, but it is this kind of slapdash thinking that leaves many businesses paddle-less in a certain type of dirty creek, if you know what I mean.
I have, therefore, thought about a few ideas that will help avoid the issue. You are free to implement any of them, and I’m confident they will help your company avoid any confusion.
- You could suffix all duplicate numbers with v2, so people wouldn’t get confused between the two. NOW 1980 would remain the original and NOW 1980 v2 would be version 2 of the same number.
- You could prefix all duplicate numbers with #, the international symbol for “number”, differentiating it from the “year” one, as in NOW #1980.
- Maybe you could add the words “New and Improved” to the front of the word NOW, so it would become “New and Improved NOW 1980”
- Adding a comma to all numbers over 999 would also be a great idea, however it may still confuse search engines.
I hope I have given you ideas-a-plenty on how to avoid the inevitable confusion, and please let me know which, if any, you decide to use.
Thanks, EMI!
Craig.
*Sorry if “albums” isn’t the right word – I’m 37 and thats what they were called when I was young.
From: EMI contact
To: Craig
Subject: re: Issue with NOW albums
>>Hi EMI.
>>I have a concern. It may take a short while to explain, as it is quite in depth, but please bear with me.
>>Along with releasing music for the vast array of artists you have signed to your record label, you’re also well…
etc…..
From: Craig
To: EMI contact
Subject: re: re: Issue with NOW albums
Hi again EMI.
I emailed you in the middle of November with a query relating to the way your NOW albums are numbered. In reply to my query, you seem to have just forwarded my query back to me.
I’m unsure how to interpret your reply. What I am supposed to do with my own query? Are you returning it to me in some sort of Mr. Miyagi way, posing some sort of philosophical quandary in which I think about the problem myself along with its consequences and hone my morals?
Maybe, like Daniel-san, if we were to meet in real life you’d ask that I wax your car or paint your fence. I’d do it, obviously, but I wouldn’t know WHY I was doing it. Well, not until you came at me a few days later with fists ablazing and I’d realise that, along with giving your Ford Fiesta a crispy sheen, I’d actually been learning self defence.
Maybe you would prefer me to sort the issue out myself? It is something I queried and so obviously something that affects me. Is the fact that you’ve given it back to me a good thing or a bad thing? Have you returned it to me because, maybe, I’M a good person or a bad person? I never knew that the decision on how to number NOW albums was based so much in the “absurd” branch of existentialism.
I’ve considered all the potential reasons why you have posed my question to me, and I can only assume that you are making me in charge of sorting it out. Excellent!
I’ve always wanted to get my foot in the door with some big music corporate, and so I thank you for giving me this opportunity. How many staff do I have? When do I get paid? What perks of the job are there? Am I now exempt from prosecution if I download copyrighted EMI music now? Brilliant!
I await further information relating to my new employment, and I’ve amended my email signature accordingly in preparation for this new venture.
Craig Anderson
Head of Now (twicm) renumbering
EMI.
|
|
